dumbfuckcunt

guess what i did today? went to school. hahah.. im glad i have friends who care about my education. except john cause he texted me to ditch and shit hahah.. after my history class, a couple broke up in front of me. the guy went crazy. he started crying and then he hit his head on the wall. i thought he was gonna go kill the girl, but i havent heard anything so i suppose she's still alive. katherine and i went to the mall for lunch since we dropped our photo class. idk. jeff (our teacher) talked way too much which didnt give us much time in the lab. we're gonna be taking the portrait class next semester.

i came home, took a shower and then hung out with john. and now. im going to knock out. good night world.

yesterday shell woke me up and took me to the beach. the night before when i stumbled to my car i asked her to take me cause i knew that would give me some kind of sense of clarity. and being the good friend that she is, she did. she woke up up eeearly too haha.. on our way we had to stop at khols cause she needed new jeans, and then lids cause i needed a hat to tame my hair. it was cold there. and it was very peaceful. until it got super cold and made us want to pee.. thats when we walked to ruby's for lunch.

we had to go home cause shell's mom needed some stuff from the store and she couldnt drive. when we were leaving the parking structure i found out that i lost 20 bucks. just my fucking luck.

after all the running around for shell's mom, we went back to my house and i made the brownies for michael while we watched the justin timberlake special on hbo. habib and john showed up a couple hours later and we drank by the pool to wash away my feelings. it was nice because i got to talk to my bffs seperately so i got all their input. when khloe got there i went with her to the market cause she wanted sparks. we said our goodbyes to michael, :(, and went back to the pool. i threw up. haha that was just the first time.

i broke down again a little after we sat down at the table. not so good. i hate myself for it. katrina got there and we talked in her car for 5 minutes. then jess called and told me to get over to her house. so we all packed ourselves into khloe's car and headed for norco.

once we got there i got molested. haha. amanda gave me a big hug, and the usual, she jumped on me and a nestled my head in her boobies for a bit hahah.. i walked in looking for jess but i couldnt find her. raquel told me she was upstairs a bit after and so i went to say hi. i ran into loryn and becky on the way up, got a couple more huggs and saw jess all dorky on the computer chair. i went and gave her a drunk. she was gone, and so was the boy named josh. i went back down, hung out with my babies, and idk what happened. amanda took me back upstairs to jess, i sat down and she plopped herself on top of me. i helped her downstairs after a bit and got molested in the kitchen by her, amanda, and becky.. numerous times.. and amanda gave me a nice lap dance, i gave her a nice tip for that hahah..

there was this point where me, habib, j, khloe, and shell were outside and habib asked if i was doing a tad better. and i was. but the thought was still there. and it still hurt, but i was feeling a bit better. having friends that care for me this much helps a lot, and i love them for it. last night we were declared as family, and i love them.

this morning i woke up at 930 to the beatles. the song just had to be "yesterday." i closed my eyes tossed around a bit. once i finished getting ready for work the song "let it be" came on. and i cried. a lot.

i dont know how to feel at this point. or what to do. or what to make of what just fucking happened. to be honest, i have many regrets. seeing that this whole thing is my fault. or is it? idk. im just going to take it as me being a bad person, and thats it. im a horrible, horrible person.